Nostalgic Freedom

15th August 2008
1:45 AM

I am seating in my room in Koregaon Park with the first ever (and the only) printed copy of FLOP Magazine in my hand. I got it printed today evening only. And I am thinking or may I say, my mind is full of thoughts on which I have no control. I don’t want to control. My mind is free, after all it is Independence day today. And it goes to exactly the same time, but 2 years back. 15th August 2006. I started my tour of India then. And I was on top of tiger hills that time… and I exactly remember those words that I used to describe that moment on my tour of India blog...

"I have spent the first night ontiger hill (lonavale) in the midst of darkness, fog, rain and wind.. in the presence of fire and in the company of some very good friends (who came from Pune on bikes in zero visibility) just to spend some time with me,,,, it was like fusion of all five elements - fire,water, air, earth and sky!!! with mother nature at its best, it was one of the most most memorable night of my life!! Thanx to Abhay, Amit, Anish, Saumik, Mr.Wagle and Samarth. In Pratapsan's terms "It feltlike I was enjoying honeymoon with myself :)"

So, I write a sms to Abhay, a witness and part of that nostalgic moment. And I start writing again. But, don’t know where to start. Thoughts are so fast, I am trying to cope-up… so, don’t try to find any flow or logic in it. "LOGIC" is a big word, "KNOWLEDGE" is another…. I think, these words have killed my innocence somewhere in my life… now I am trying hard to unlearn and get that innocence back…If I could wish one thing from God, I would want my innocence back. But, I can’t wish. I can try for sure. So, I am trying…. Trying hard. For past two years now. I don’t know when exactly I realized it but I now know for sure that leaving my job and traveling across India was my shot at getting my innocence back and not peace or happiness… peace or happiness is simply a by product, or a permanent state of mind when we are innocent. I now remember clearly, I got inspired by not the happiness but innocence of those workers by the roadside when my car was hit by a landslide. I now know. Not know, but I now feel. Knowing is knowledge, is unreal. Feeling is real. I now don’t "know", but "feel" life. And what a life it has been in past two years….

The tour – the accident – coming back home – the Internet, flickr and orkut – the PCA – first exhibition – International Photography Award – first assignment – coming to Pune – FLOP and now the first issue. And in between these milestones, those “fill in the blank” moments…… so many of them – friends, family, loneliness, groups, activities, sleep, dreams, thoughts, depression, triumphs, feelings, contemplation, realization and freedom.

The milestones are not that important as the “feel in the blank” moments. That is what life is. FEEL. The road, the journey and not the destination.